his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
