I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize