he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
then he tried to convert me to islam
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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