hell yes lets make some ravioli
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
