Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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