it's too hot outside to masturbate.
only if we run a train.
done.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
