I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
