I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
