if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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