Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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