I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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