I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
