Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
