I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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