I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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