By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize