On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize