Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
