how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
