I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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