You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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