I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
