I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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