Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
