remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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