i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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