my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
