now i know why i became what i already was.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
