Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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