Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
