she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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