The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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