Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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