Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize