I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I love you.
Bad choice
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