Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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