Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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