Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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