Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
