Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
