Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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