a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
