thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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