guys are only as good as the porn they watch
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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