i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
tell me about the eggs
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
