allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
