just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
