Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I have post one night stand depression
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