how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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