oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
