I should be sponsored by Trojan
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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