They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
