I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
