Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize