I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i now understand why vodka
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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